


2020 diary (starting in february oops)

by grungelunaris



Category: Diary - Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:15:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 2,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22838443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grungelunaris/pseuds/grungelunaris





	1. 2/21/20

2/21/20

Currently sitting alone on a Friday night. Planning to smoke w lily emma and Libby tomorrow, we'll see how that goes. Im restarting this journal so I can laugh/cry/scream at myself in 2-10 years. btw bc im dumb youre in 11th grade rn. junior year sucks ass and im gonna fail the SAT. fuck. lmao. idk how much ill update this. maybe weekly???? anyways. my love for will is back, which i DO NOT appreciate. hes just so pretty. idk what it is about him hes just pretty. also theres this named Eric im kinda into, hes pretty cute idk we'll see how that goes. Plus DJ's still cute. I have too many men rn. im literally only writing this bc im thinking back to 7th grade and i cant remember SHIT. also im still sad and restricting cals but we lost 15lbs babey!!!! SKINNY LEGEND!!! this is probably what the brain of a squirrel sounds like. OH and the musical rn is Joseph. Thats all enjoy future claire. :)


	2. 2/28/20

Hi today was our first musical rehearsal!! it was kind of a shit show!! we had to put the cleopatra wigs on everyone and it was Rough!! also last time i said we were smoking that saturday but i was wrong as fuck sooo its tomorrow. I hope i dont get too fucked up bc we're using edibles!! also Joseph looks great so far im excited :) this week was kind of uneventuful but pastry kid is still cute but I saw on snap that he was hanging w/ willow who is obviously Very pretty so :( also i failed my 24 hr fast big time!! anyways byeeeeee see u next week


	3. 2/29

OMG tonight was so bad. I started out not making HM captain and i was so sad but it got so much fucking worse. we were at teagarden smoking and drinking and emma was FUCKED. but she and lily left early bc lily had curfew or something so we went back in libbys car and we finished the four loko and threw it out (thank god). then THE COPS CAME. they questioned libby and she almost had a panic attack omg. they took us all out of her car and I almost peed my pants. thankfully they didnt find scotts dab or omg i wouldve gone to jail. cars kept pulling up b/c TE police suck and i was convinced i was going down. But. they DIDNT ARREST US!!!! im now home writing this and lowkey still in shock.


	4. 3/4

the first (official) show for the musical starts today!!!! i am so excited it’s gonna be great :) i’m on weather cam this week and wills on weather and i actually talked to him and he’s so nice like it’s almost nauseating how nice he is. it’s only 3rd period rn but my days been pretty great so far and i hope this week just keeps its good energy!! i’ll prolly do another update after the cast party on saturday. i think pastry kid (eric) might also be dating willow which is kinda :( but he’s still nice so idc


	5. 3/9/20

the musical is over and i’m so fucking hurt. everything hurts. i miss will so much and he’s not even gone yet. my mental health is kinda in the toilet and i just want to cry for the next 1000 years. libby didn’t get her pic w will and scott had a mental breakdown which was terrifying immediately after the party and for the last two weeks have been awful. i miss everything so much and i just feel so empty. the SAT is this saturday and i’m not ready and i’m prepared to fail and then cry. let’s hope life gets fucking better.


	6. 3/18/20

it’s corona time!!!! school is currently off because of corona which is lowkey nice not gonna lie. i’m failing envi sci because i didn’t take a test so in that respect i’m fucked but if they extend the MP or even just cancel school for the rest of the year i’ll be okay because i’ll find a way around it. i’m really bored but online school just started so i’m sure i’ll get unbored quickly. i miss hanging out w my friends tho :( i also can’t stop thinking about will but what’s fucking new there


	7. 3/22

it’s coronacation time babey!!!! but in actuality we’re prolly not going to go back to school for the rest of the year which is depressing :( i’m never gonna see the seniors again which is gonna fuck me up but on a happier note i’m prolly gonna get the new animal crossing game soon!!!! pointcrow (aka eric) is streaming it and it’s pretty cute because he doesn’t really know how it works. idk i’m super into him but obviously he’s,,,,,, an entire adult who lives across the country and i’m a 17 year old cringe fan but whatever i’m still intricately obsessed with him oops.


	8. 4/18/20

fourth MP has finally began!!! i have not done shit!!! it’s fine!!! but um i’ve totally forgotten to update here because nothings happening to me. the world is ending but i’m doing the exact same shit as always so whatever. i signed up for some tik tok match making things and maybe i’ll get a friend out of it idk. i also watched hail caesar which is a lovely movie but i spell caesar wrong every fucking time. that’s basically all i got life is really super boring. oh wait actually i logged into my old soundcloud finally! i’ve already reforgotten the log in info so i might lose access when i inevitably log out but all i have to say is my music taste hasn’t changed much but at least i’m not as emo. that’s all good luck future me hope you’re not dead :)


	9. 4/21/2020

i’m listening to joseph again and i’m very sad. i miss that musical. next year i’m literally gonna strap a fucking camera onto my head. i love stoga theatre. i’m sure in 10 years i’ll find this cringey but i LOVE IT. it hits different and joseph was SO GOOD. the entire month of joseph was so bad with the almost getting arrested and scott’s breakdown but i still LOVE IT. also i’m still sad libby never got her pic with will. that’s all bye


	10. 4/27/20

i am losing my mind. quarantine is killing me and i haven’t done any assignments because i CANNOT focus. also i was so glad that my ovulation last month didn’t make me into a horny mess but this month it DID. i hope claire in five years remembers i have this diary b/c i really wanna know if it ever gets better. um also i’ve been thinking about eric a LOT because he unfortunately has not met the line untouchable celebrity yet in my brain but he also doesn’t know i exist????????? it’s rough man.


	11. 5/4/20

i! am! so! fucking! stressed! it’s the middle of 4th MP in quarantine and i have so much overdue shit. mr trainer emailed mom and CCed mrs lewis which is my worst nightmare. i need to get this essay done for him but i’ve spent the last 30 minutes crying, send help


	12. 5/21/20

ive kinda forgotten about this diary oops. basically everythings gone to shit and im really over this year. ap's went ok i guess i just hope i pull a three. i am so damn unmotivated its not even funny ugh


	13. 5/26/20

life! fucking! sucks! its mostly my own fault as i didnt do any of my assignments, but thats also quarantines fault, i feel so empty and numb. i miss people. i feel like im in 7th grade again b/c everything just fucking sucks. i am not having a good time rn :( i know no one will save me but its hard to be a person when you cant find the effort to save yourself.


	14. 5/30/20

i hung out with friends for the first time in VERY long time and i’m so glad. i was so tired of not seeing people. also i was thinking about my interest/weird crush on eric and i realized that this is just another phase in my life????? how weird


	15. 6/11/20

i just found out that libby’s gonna be away until the 5th of july which means i’ll be alone for the fourth of july and i’ll be alone until she gets back. it really made me realize how i’m going to spend this entire summer alone. i cried about that and the fact that mr ligget gave me a 60 for 4th MP and i’m gonna finish the year with a 68. i’m fucking pissed and so scared that i won’t get into college. i just feel like absolute shit right now.


	16. 6/15/20

i feel very alone today. my friends don’t care about me and really don’t want to hang out with me. they just skip my audio messages which are annoying but i can’t talk to anyone in person so it’s my way of coping. i just want to feel included and loved but i just feel empty and alone.


	17. 6/18/20

the fact that all of my daydreams are about having big friend groups and being happy really says a lot. i feel like no one is really there for me anymore and it sucks!!!


	18. 7/5/2020

the school said that they are planning on reopening in the fall but i doubt it. according to scotts mom we are only allowed to have 8 people in a classroom??? also i got super drunk last night and went star tipping and i fell on my hit and it hurts. also libby lost her virginity!!!! good for her, hopefully ill get my first kiss this year


	19. 7/16/20

mom won’t stop talking about how this school year is ruined and how everything has gone to shit. i am just trying to be hopeful that we’ll have band but she just keeps tearing it down. i just want to drive and to have a somewhat normal senior year. it’s the only one i’ll fucking get and she could just be a little more hopeful!!!!!!!!


	20. 8/20/20

today’s the first day of band camp!! i should be excited bc everything else in life is canceled bc of corona but mom yelled at me because she didn’t want me to drive there. i yelled back and said that i didn’t get a senior year and i think i’m allowed to drive there now. it just pissed me off and now i’m sad but i hope camp goes well.


	21. 8/24/20

i hope one day i’ll update this when i’m actually happy. 2020 fucking sucks. i don’t get a senior year. i’m terrified i won’t get into a college. grandma might die. i’m so scared of being alone forever. i’m covered in self harm bruises. i’m watching haikyuu and i’m reading fanfic about it and feeling lonelier than ever. mr. loverman is my cry song now. my friends barely want to hang out with me. i hate myself.


	22. 9/2/20

I think the issue with me is that I want to be saved but have no one to save me. that's why I daydream about saving other people. I want to be so thin and ill that someone has to save me. also distance learning fucking sucks and I can't sleep


	23. 9/17/20

school started! it sucks! it feels like i’m just moving through time but processing nothing. i went to bend yesterday and it still felt like band camp. also i realized i’m watching haikyuu and studio ghibli to recreate the feeling of being in middle school and obsessively caring about a show/fandom. uhhhhh. that’s concerning. anyways i hope life gets better and the end of howls moving castle doesn’t flame my ass


	24. 9/29/20

i feel like the universe is shitting on me rn. my common app isnt done, mom wont stop yelling about everything under the sun and im so so so fucking tired. i need a break and i wont get one for MONTHS. mom banned me from seeing my friends until my apps are in and after that its flu szn so i wont be able to see them then either. i just need a fucking nap and a hug or something. i keep self harming and im mad it isnt bruising bc at least i would do something right


	25. 10/13/20

i am still the same person i saw before but also not at all. I still have to count of my fingers to figure out what number is which month, I still havent had my first kiss, i still read fanfic and pine after a love I will probably never have because it probably doesnt exist. But somehow i am very different. I'm not the same person I was freshman year but somehow I still think i am. I dont really know if thats a bad thing or not. If i cant even realized ive changed as a person, does that really mean i've changed at all? I apply to most of my colleges at the end of the month, and i dont know if im ready. im still so self conscious, anxious, doubtful about every decision i've ever made. I know everything will be different in college and I cant even handle the relatively simplistic life I have now. How am i supposed to handle college????? I never really thought i was going to make it to 18, so now that im almost there I dont know what to do. I didnt ever look that far ahead. I kinda wish i could just get a high school do-over. I didnt do really anything i wanted to do. I feel like i just floated through. I made no impact, no one knows my name. No one Longs to know who i am or why I think im important, and im not quite sure I could convey why im important if someone was ever interested enough to ask. What would i say? That i have weirdly detailed day dreams for hours and hours and I never feel like im enough?????? who would be interested in that. I dont think ive quite processed that no one is going to be my knight in shining armor and save me and suddenly make me an interesting person but i also dont know if i can save myself. Maybe ill just drift through space, adopt 16 cats and die feeling like i've accomplished nothing idk. I watch people and wish i could be interesting like them but every time i try i pussy out or give up. sometimes I wish i could just put a giant sign or my forehead that says "im interesting i fucking promise!!!!!"


	26. 10/28/20

life sucks. i just saw a news report about how life probably wont be normal until SPRING OF 2022. so my senior year and freshman year of college are both ruined. plus college essays are kicking ass and i just want this all to be over. god i hope i get a 1300 so i can get into WCU and just breathe.


	27. 11/22/20

ok so libbys really mad at emma and i for some fucking reason and i tried to txt her to figure out why and she just left me on read lol. like idk what to do and i just give the fuck up at this point. like wtf am i supposed to do???????


	28. 12/3/20

thank god this awful year is almost over. this week has been shit and its only thursday. i finished reading all the young dudes and it BROKE ME. jesus christ i cried so hard i had to pull an all nighter to cope with the pain. plus i really hate having boobs at the moment theyre making me really uncomfortable. i also cannot focus on anything how great :)


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